I can’t be arsed writing another 1000 words or so just now. Review will come when i can be bothered!

Thats what i fully expect tomorrow’s headlines to read. It’s like every retard in the country was fired through Topshop (cheer, Frankie Boyle!), handed a bottle of White Lightning and told to make a complete and utter arsehole of themselves. I don’t know where these cunts originated but don’t fucking want them here!

Oasis Fans

I’m all for high fucking spirits but these cunts are taking the piss. A pastel coloured polo shirt and an Oasis ticket doesn’t entitle you to punch out buses, hassle everyone you pass and call me a cunt when I don’t tell you where to buy coke. People that don’t like music piss me off enough already, they don’t need to get in my face and remind me of this. Seriously the ugliest bunch of freaks I’ve ever seen.

From now on there is gonna be a fucking literacy test to get into Edinburgh.

on seeing the name Lynyrd Skynyrd, she asks me “Who’s Lynyrd Skynyrd? i know that name”.

she then proceeds to ask “Is he a comedian? An actor?”.

i am embarrassed both for her and for me

here’s Skynyrd at there finest in way of reparations

I’d go to every single BNP rally and shoot every single one of the fuckers … cause I’m tolerant like that.

i'd probably start with this one-eyed fuck

Ninja Scooter Simulator

product design in 1988 was so much better than current efforts. look at that box art, don’t you just wanna buy it now!

now lets compare it with septuple-A 2007 release Halo 3.

Halo 3 - sold more copies than the bible ... maybe

what does its box tell us?

• its rated 15+
• it supports 60Hz tvs
• the Sun likes it.

now lets examine what its missing:

• ninjas
• scooters
• a £1.99 price tag
• a pink and black striped background

what i’m getting at is that in 1988, they knew product design.

so they’ve got rid of Light Heavyweight, European, Hardcore and Cruiserweight belts and now they’ve unified the tag belts. at the same time, they’ve created the most worthless peice of crap ever, the Divas championship. all this means is that we have to sit through 2 atrocious divas matches per week …. great. the only highlight of this is that beth phoenix and santino marella get more screen time.

but they are missing 2 complete divisions. where are the tag and high-flyer matches? the Colòns, Legacy and Miz/Morrison are the only tag teams of note and if the WWE has any sense, Morrison is going to get a massive singles push (hopefully an epic Intercontinental fued with Mysterio) and Legacy are gonna be stuck in what is rapidly becoming the most boring fued of the decade.

as for high flyers, we need to see Funaki, Evan Bourne and hopefully Drew McIntyre back on tv. Use ECW for some amazing extreme rules matches, don’t worry Vince, it’ll be aerial stuff so it can still be PG-rated.

unfortunately, i think strachs is right, Russo is going to be, rightly, fired from TNA. unfortunately he’ll return to WWE and we’ll see a Vince Russo on a Pole match with the winner entering the King Of Vince Russo’s Ring competition at position 12 where they must defeat 2 bears and a tiger in a Top Hat and Monocle match. there will then no doubt be a 5 level cage with pots of honey and a title belt strapped to a greased up beaver.

The Vince Russo on a Pole, Care Bear on a swing with the Title, Top Hat and Beaver match which will be the Wrestlemania 26 main event

fingers crossed ….

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now and I have a theory on how one would go about creating the most popular song ever.

Firstly, take all the information from the Billboard chart, the Top 40 etc. Then you turn that into a bunch of handy statistics. We could probably make  a Venn Diagram or calculate a Spearman’s rank correlation coefficient or something equally sexy. You could work out all the features of a number 1 song, i.e. Verse Chorus Bridge Solo Verse structure, groovy bassline, Nelly going ‘ey-yoh’  constantly in the background. You pick what works and build yourself a horrible mutant made up of the most popular elements of songs. Fuck you, Simon Cowell.

If we analyse the graph, a strange thing happens, Thrashtastic breakdowns happen very rarely in top 10 singles.

We could then compile the ultimate, scientifically most pop-tastic choon ever. We’d then need to get a slightly controversial video, run it on MTV til everyone is sick of it and make sure its never off the radio. We’d market it all to 12 yr old girls.

Unfortunately this would mean that it would only be bought by 12 year old girls seeing as they are the only people with a disposable income that isn’t spent on booze, drugs and prostitutes. This is because 12 yr old girls will buy anything thats marketed right and they’ll fuck just as you tell them to. So anyway, that’s how you’d make millions of pound in the music industry. If anyone’s wondering, this is almost totally ripped off from the South Park episode with Kevin/Gopherboy. Congratulations for reading this far.

To create the actual best song ever, you’d need a mix of technical brutallity of Carcass’s Heartwork album combined with the NWOBHM/Thrash sensibilites of Judas Priest’s Painkiller album.

If anyone’s created an album this perfect, give me a shout. That or if you’ve got a 12 yr old sister.

Hannah Montunnah

I’d just like to say sorry again

this is clearly the most disgusting creation ever. I’d personally like to apologise to the world for this:

Hannah Montunnah

ok so apparently I listen to a lot of Def Leppard. Ok, that is very true.

But my top 7 bands just now according to last.fm (you can see on the right of the page):

• Def Leppard
• Poison
• Ratt
• Dream Theatre
• Meat Loaf
• Hardcore Superstar
• Kreator

but Judas Priest appears below them all. Therefore I conclude last.fm is a liar.

it tracks all my choonz at work, at home and on the ipod so why is Priest not number 1? well, i’m not listening to anything else until it is. so fuck you last.fm, you lying cunt.